Self Diagnosis: Tri-Polar

I was doing good for a while there. A month of regular running. I drank only occasionally as it got in the way of my running. I was going out with friends, keeping in touch. And now this...

It's been a week since I posted a run. I just can't get myself to do it. I have all these reasons why I should. It feels great. I'm getting faster and faster. It's healthy. Is this running withdrawal?! I love running. I hate running.

My birthday is coming up. I planned a marathon run as my present to myself. Run! Run! All I want to do is get away from this. I want to drive down the coast and spend a few days on the beach. Detox from everyone and everything. Find something, anything I don't know what yet. Reasons? Motivation? Purpose?

FUCK! I'm so tired of this shit. These slides and swings. Is it possible to be tri-polar? Cause I'm aware and numb and get stuck there, watching myself descend to the lows and soar to the highs.

It's annoying how elusive being centered and balanced is. I crave the desert. The profound emptiness on which to bounce my own. I fantasize about dropping out and living in Tibet a few years. Chant my way to enlightenment.

I'll start with a run tomorrow morning... and go from there.